Marriage
The Catholic Church Provides A Blueprint for Happiness in Marriage

Why do over half of all marriages fail?

Have you ever known a couple that you thought were perfect for each other, and then found yourself stunned at the news of their divorce?

Do you know people who get out of a bad relationship only to get into another bad relationship with almost the same type of person as before?

Have you ever known two people who were totally wrong for each other, but they went ahead and got married anyway?

Why do some people change so much after they get married?

Have you ever known two people who were sexually attracted to each other and you knew were in Love, but they had a bad relationship? Maybe it takes more than great Love to make a great marriage?

A Priest who specialized in marriage counseling once told me that he felt the problem was that people confuse attraction with love. He pointed out that in the current culture a lot of people are getting married who are not in love, but they don’t realize they aren’t in love until after they are married.

Here is what he meant. What makes dating in the modern world so confusing is that there are thousands of people we can be sexually attracted to, there are thousands of people that we share interests with, there are thousands of people we can party with and have fun with, there are thousands of people that can seem exciting, mysterious, dangerous, attractive in that way, there are thousands of people who can give us hope and make us feel good about ourselves, there are thousands of people who can relieve our immediate anxieties and fears, there are thousands of people who can divert us from having to think about and deal with our real problems. All these things look and feel like love, but they are really just superficial attractions that fade over time.

Matrimonial Love isn’t about finding something in someone that you can share with thousands of other people. Matrimonial Love is about finding the special and unique things about another person and in turn having that person be attracted to the special and unique things about you. Matrimonial Love is about finding someone who feels you deep in their heart and in turn you have that same feeling for them. But for most people that I know, those superficial, external things are the entire basis for their relationship or marriage. That is why so many people are unhappy in relationships and marriage. Their whole relationship is based on a lot of attractions that fade over time.

Why do we all know so many people who are unhappy in their current marriage or relationship? And how can the Catholic Church really help. What answers does the Church provide for the problems of marriage in the current culture?
Three of the primary reasons marriages fail are:
1. People get too serious, too fast. Before they have a chance to "really" know each other.
2. They are attracted to the wrong things.
3. They don't share the values that are necessary for longtern happiness

THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED
The Catholic Church asks us to identify five primary steps for developing lifelong romantic relationships that are pleasing to God. Clearly identifying these steps helps us to avoid the pitfalls of getting too serious too fast:
1. Casual Friendship
2. Deeper Friendship
3. Purposeful intimacy with integrity
4. Engagement
5. Marriage (The Sacrament of Matrimony)
But what about being attracted to the wrong things or sharing the same values? What does the Catholic Church teach about that? One of the clearest ways to look at this is to compare the failed approach of secular society (The Attraction First Approach) verses the successful approach taught by the Catholic Church (The Values First Approach). Read through both and perhaps it will become clearer why relationships fail or succeed. What is interesting is much of this is determined even before the relationship begins at all.

THE "ATTRACTION FIRST" APPROACH TO FINDING LOVE IN YOUR LIFE
-We find someone that we are attracted to (usually this is a sexual attraction, but sometimes it is another kind of attraction)
-We develop feelings of love for them, we project feelings of love onto them.
-We are interested, so from that point on we make an effort to try to develop a relationship with them.
-At this point, we are not sharing love, but rather we are hoping to "create" it with this other person.
-We are hoping that this person that we are attracted to has the values we are looking for
-If they don't have those values, we hope that the love we feel for them will be enough to change them
-We may or may not hook up with this person, but essentially, even if we do, it is very difficult to develop a complete love based on a physical or materialistic attraction, so most of the time these relationships don't work out if our search takes this course.

THE "VALUES FIRST" APPROACH TO FINDING LOVE IN YOUR LIFE
With Sacramental Love the focus is on finding a person who has the right values. The focus is on finding a person who has a real belief in the kind of commitments that are required for long-term happiness to exist:
-Making a commitment never to do anything to hurt the other person
-Making a commitment to do everything you can to nurture your Love with and for the other person
-Making a commitment to always give priority to your Love with and for the other person (learning to prioritize more than one thing at a time)
-Making a commitment to spend time with the other person
-Making a commitment to guard each others hearts
-Making a commitment to guard each others faith
Through sharing that value system together an incredible kind of lasting Love emerges. A kind of Love that the "Attraction First" approach can never produce, because the "Attraction First" approach can never achieve the same kind of depth and breadth. This "Attraction First" model helps explain how a couple can have feelings of love and be very attracted to each other, but still not have a very good relationship.

PHYSICAL ATTRACTION IS IMPORTANT
It is also important to point out that physical attraction is important. The Catholic Church teaches that a husband and wife should be more attracted to each other than any other person. The key point is that even sexuality is better in the "Values First" approach because the two people are sharing an incredible depth of intimacy. Special moments in a relationship should be the norm, not the exception.

The Catholic Church's teachings on marriage aren't just a bunch of bureaucratic rules designed to keep us in line. That teaching is, in the truest sense, a blueprint for happiness. Following the Church's teaching encourages spouses to respect each other. It helps them to love each other better. It protects them from the creeping selfishness that tears at the fabric of marriage.

One of the best places to better understand these issues surrounding happiness, marriage, and God's plan is the Apostolic Exhortation by Pope John Paul II called:

Familiaris Consortio
(On the Family)